


I can’t decide

by bruhburbman77



Category: Persona 4, Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bullying, Death Threats, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Persona 5 Protagonist is from Inaba, Persona 5 Spoilers, Post-November 20 Interrogation (Persona 5), Post-Persona 5, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, typical persona 5 tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:48:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28700928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bruhburbman77/pseuds/bruhburbman77
Summary: Angst fic! Angst fic! Angst fic! THIS IS SUPER FUCKING DARK, tw for eating disorders, suicide attempts, self harm, graphic blood, bullying, threats, and flashbacks. Also the chapter names and fanfic title are from a song called “I can’t decide” by Scissor sisters which is a great song and what I was listening to while writing. Definitely not a vent fic, nope totally not im fine thanks :) (also no royal spoilers dont worry this is a vanilla fic)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 63





	1. Pleasing everyone isn’t like you

**Author's Note:**

> ruh roh this is dark  
> just realized i fucked up some of the tags so i fixed that, sorry but there arent any explicit relationships here. Enjoy :)

Ren was always happy. He was always ready to help anyone who needed it. When Ryuji needed help with the track team, Ren was there to calm him down and assist him. When Ann needed help with Shiho and her modeling job, Ren was there to provide insight and support. When Yusuke was going through an art slump, Ren dragged him out of it. When Makoto needed to help her friend from being tricked into debt by someone pretending to like her, Ren helped her make the right decisions and find evidence.

When Futaba was first coming out of her shell, Ren helped with her promise list and pushed her to be able to thrive on her own. When Haru was struggling with the company and her fiancé’s advances, Ren was there to help her to escape his presence. When Morgana was struggling to figure out what his true identity was, Ren was there to help him discover his true identity and where he belonged.

Which is ironic when you think about how none of them could do these for Ren in return. Ryuji couldn’t calm him down. Ann couldn’t provide insight or support. Yusuke couldn’t drag Ren out of his slump. Makoto couldn’t help Ren make the right decisions. Futaba couldn’t help Ren out of his shell. Haru couldn’t help Ren escape the looming presence in his life. Morgana couldn’t help him discover where he belonged. Or rather, Ren wouldn’t let his friends do this for him.

Could he even call them friends? He only formed these bonds with them because of deals he made to assist his goal as a phantom thief. Now that his thief days are over, would they still care for him? Was he deserving of anything he was given, or was he merely supposed to die in that interrogation room. Maybe it would have been better if he died there. Akechi might have found a reason to live in getting revenge on his father. He wouldn’t have to live with the pain of that damn room.

God, how Ren wishes he had somewhere to belong. It had been a month since he had returned to his hometown of Inaba. A month since he had seen his friends. A month since he had any form of enjoyment or satisfaction in his life. A month since the wounds on his body had started appearing.

His parents weren’t the best to him, but how could he blame them? He had gone and ruined their reputation and any semblance of social status with a single action to build his self worth. _“Everything we had built up over the years, the charade that you were a perfect child, just washed away like that! All because you wanted to fuel your fucking messiah complex!”_ His dad would often scream this before he was sent away to Tokyo, but after the incident with Shido.

He wasn’t wrong. Ren had spent the better part of his life trying to maintain perfect grades, have a perfect face, be respectful to everyone, be a ‘proper gentleman’ as his father had put it. Ever since Ren had returned from Tokyo, he had deep circles under his eyes. His hair was somehow messier, his glasses were skewed, he wore the same hoodie and headphones around his neck every single day, his school pants were torn at the knee from the amount of times he had been tripped on a sidewalk.

Ren’s locker was empty by April. When he first transferred back, he would try to use his locker. After about a week, he started getting notes in the locker. Things that said _“Kill yourself”_ , or _“Go back to jail”_ , or _“run on back to Tokyo, maybe you’ll get hit by a car on the way back”_ , or _“slit your throat amamiya or I’ll do it for you”_. These examples were few of many, and many of the worst included slurs and one time a razor blade taped to it. These notes started to pile up in his locker, to the point that one day Ren opened his locker at the end of the day and notes poured out into the hall. After about two weeks, Ren stopped using his locker. The notes were visible from the outside, jammed in through the door to the locker.

One day, Ren came into school to see his locker with the words _“Hang yourself”_ spray painted on the door. Long rope was dangling out the door, creaking it open. A majority of the school were congratulating one kid in particular after this incident, and one time Ren even caught a his homeroom teacher congratulating him and giving him a prize for doing it.

Morgana, being his closest friend and therapy cat (Ren had gone through enough that he got a document to prove it was his therapy cat, and that was the only reason Morgana hadn’t been kicked out yet by Ren’s parents), saw all of this. Every time, he would ask Ren if he was alright. And every time, without fail, Ren would give a small smile and give a quiet ‘yes’.

Every single day, when Ren got home, he would send a few texts in the group chat and fall asleep. Morgana didn’t know how the kid slept 14 hours a day and went to school for the other ten. Even despite that, Ren always had deep black circles under his eyes. Recently, Morgana had started going out after Ren fell asleep, and only came back at night. When he came back, Ren was in practically the same position. Morgana was genuinely astounded at how unhealthy Ren was living. He didn’t even know the extent of it.


	2. If I stop now call me a quitter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THIS HAS GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF SELF HARM DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO THIS STUFF! Remember to stay safe y'all, take care of your mental health : )

Morgana left as soon as Ren flopped down on his bed and closed his eyes. He jumped out of the open window without a second thought, leaving to roam the town. Once Ren heard the cat’s paws lightly hit the grass, Ren sat up. He opened the drawer under his bed, pulling out a thin wire he used to use while making lockpicks. He no longer made things at his desk, he no longer read books, he no longer did anything. His free time was spent thinking about if he should die. Most often the answer he would come to would be yes, but he was too much of a coward to go through with it.

Recently, Ren had noticed Morgana leaving as soon as he got home to go on walks. He didn’t hold it against the cat; there was so little to do, but even still Ren didn’t want to do any of it. Before he knew it, through his scattered thoughts, he was hunched over in the bathroom. The door was locked, but it wouldn’t matter if it was open. Nobody would care to check, and if they saw they wouldn’t care either way.

He was hunched over in the corner, the cold tile freezing his bare feet. He sat quite akin to how Futaba used to, with his knees up to his chin. As Ren tightened the wire around his wrist, he felt it digging deeper into his skin. The pain grounded him, making his brain less scattered. The digging into his skin reminded him of his time in the metaverse, how _alive_ it made him feel. The power surging through him when he summoned a persona, the superiority he felt above the shadows he was threatening, the excitement of the cool breeze of mementos pushing his hair back as he leapt through the air. That’s what the pain brought to him. Simpler, nicer times. Times when he felt like he had control of his life.

Now, this was the only control he felt. The leader of the world renowned phantom thieves, reduced to splitting his skin open because he became addicted to the pain. Addicted to the feeling of control he felt, killing shadows in the metaverse, changing hearts, leading powerful units. He could barely call them friends, he didn’t know if they thought of him like that. They were merely people he made deals with, to assist him through his journey as a thief. Now that it was over, they could ditch him, find a better person to be friends with. 

Just like the world did after he was arrested and put on probation. Just like the world did after Kunikazu Okumura was murdered. Just like the world did after the interrogation, where he was beaten, tortured, verbally abused, physically abused, drugged, thrown to the dogs and harassed. Just like all the people in his life, Morgana, Ryuji, Ann, Yusuke, Makoto, Futaba, Haru… Somehow, from beyond the grave, Ren’s fellow wildcard would probably find a way to leave him-

Ren suddenly felt his feet become wet. He looked down and saw blood dripping, and he hadn’t registered how deep he was cutting into his forearm. As he took the bloodied wire out, he could see blood bubbling up. Over the past month, between the abuse from himself, his classmates, and his parents, he had built up an even higher pain tolerance than he ever did as a Phantom Thief. Still, that did barely anything. The multi-sourced abuse only got worse with each day, making his pain tolerance futile. 

Ren checked the clock in the bathroom. Morgana would be back in about some amount of time. He realized then that he couldn’t read the clock. His vision got blurry, and the only thing he could hear was the soft drip of blood on the tile and ringing in his ears. Ren stumbled out of the bathroom, with his bloodied wrists wrapped in his shirt. He didn’t remember cutting himself that much today, but time was a foreign construct to him at this point. 

He leaned against the marble counter in the kitchen and grabbed a swiss army knife from a drawer. As he flicked open the blade, he started to cut deeper and deeper, more and more. His eyes started to lose focus. He could feel his heartbeat in his veins. As he hung his head in shame for himself, he saw his legs were also covered in cuts from the knife. He barely remembers cutting his legs today. The tile floor of the kitchen was stained red from where Ren was standing, and a terrible realization hit him.

His parents would be home soon, and they would blame him for this. They would blame him and punish him. There wasn’t enough time to clean it all before they got back, so there was only one option. One Ren had considered for a while now. He looked to the knife, and brought it up to his throat.

________________________________

Futaba had noticed something was off with Ren. The amount of pictures he sent to them all had decreased since the first week of being there, coming to a complete halt eventually. He barely spoke in the group chat, and nobody had heard from Morgana either. When Ren was asked about the cat’s condition, he would respond with ‘alright’ and leave it at that. He said at most a few words a day and when she looked at his phone’s location, it never moved after school hours. Except for today. 

Today, she decided to check it and saw the phone moving very slowly. Eventually it stopped in a certain place, and didn’t move for the next twenty minutes. Soon, she became concerned. Ren was already looking dreadful in the last picture he sent, and unbeknownst to him she could see his exhaustion with life shine through his fake smile. She decided to send him a text, to see if he was alright.

**Tabanana:** Hey Renren, you doing alright? Do you wanna talk about anything?

 **Tabanana:** It doesnt have to be anything serious, whatever you wanna talk about

Before Futaba could put her phone down, she got several notifications.

**Renren:** please

 **Renren:** i need somoene to talkto

 **Renren:** are you sure youre ok with talking right now?

**Tabanana:** of course ren, just know you can text me at any time about anything ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ

**Renren:** ...thanks futaba

They called and talked for the next thirty minutes about random things, like video games and anime. Eventually, Ren said that his parents were home and he needed to go. Futaba said bye, not realizing the panic in his voice as she was busy being relieved from his being alive. Unbeknownst to her, had she texted him just a few seconds later, he wouldn’t have ever responded. 


	3. It’s cold and hard and petrified

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> actual chapter summaries are for cowards just read the chapter
> 
> just wanted to thank people who read this and people who left comments and kudos on this, i really appreciate it : )  
> this fic is about half way done, and i'm posting these as soon as i finish them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for abuse and flashbacks, had a lot of fun writing this chapter. Everything I touch suffers.

Ren was laying on the cold kitchen floor, only alive from the various things covering his wounds, blood covering where he was laying. His shirt was wrapped around his arm, stopping the blood from coming out of the several cuts on his left wrist. The cuts on his legs had dried blood covering them, preventing blood from coming out. There was a small slit in his throat, but not deep enough to do anything fatal.

The worst was yet to come, by far. Ren’s parents got home. First was a shriek from his mother. Then angry stomping from his father. Then a blunt force hitting him in the face. And that was all it took.

_ “No dozing off.” Ren’s eyes fluttered open. One moment, he was covered in blood in his kitchen, shirtless and panicking. Now, he was covered in ice water and bruises, handcuffed to a chair, confused. He tried to stand up, but the handcuffs dug deeper into his wrists. They were purposefully a size too small. He remembered. He remembered everything. Where he was, what day it was, the torture he was put through… it had happened just a few hours ago. He must have dreamt the past five months. _

_ “You still don’t get it, do you?” He understood far too well. The face of that fucking interrogator haunted him. “Give it up!” A rough kick to his chest, and he felt his ribs crack as the chair fell to the ground and shattered. Wood splinters were digging into his side, and he could barely breathe. The interrogator walked toward him, tapping a clipboard. _

_ “Obstruction of justice, Blackmail, defamation, manslaughter, possession of weapons… the whole works.” The boot slammed into his chest again, and he felt his ribs crack more. His hands were uncuffed and he was handed a clipboard. “Sign here, a confession under your name to all the charges I’ve listed.” _

_ The clipboard was sent flying across the room by the back of Ren’s hand, and he spit at the interrogator. After a few seconds of eye contact, the interrogator slammed his foot down on Ren’s left thigh causing him to scream in pain. “So that’s how you wanna do this, huh you little shit?! Fine, I can do this the hard way!” _

_ He grabbed another needle and tried to jam it into Ren’s eye, before it stopped inches from his eyes. As Ren looked closer, he was being held back by the man holding the case of needles. The interrogator swiveled his head around to look at him, before he spoke. “Don’t. He needs his eyes to sign, and that will do permanent damage to them. Save it until after he’s done with everything.” _

_ With every blunt pain aching his body he forgot more and more about the imagined world that he created, after the phantom thieves, with that god… soon, he went on autopilot through the interrogation. He signed the clipboard, and as soon as he was done he was shoved to the ground by the interrogator as he grabbed another needle- _

Ren was back, laying on the kitchen floor. His arms and face ached severely. He felt a rough, wet surface run across his cheek. When he looked to the source, he saw Morgana licking off some blood on his face. When the cat realized that the boy was awake, he instantly started to ask questions.

“Joker! Are you ok?! What happened? Did someone break in? Was it your parents?” Morgana hopped onto Ren’s chest, causing him to flinch and groan in pain as he felt his ribs bruise more under the weight of the cat. Noticing this, Morgana crawled off his chest to make sure he didn’t go through anymore pain than he already was.

Ren tried to recall what happened. He remembered everything that happened that day, the cutting, the stumbling, Futaba calling him, Ren lying through his teeth when she asked if he was ok for the hundredth time. He noted that much of the blood was gone, the only remaining was on his body. It was very dark out, the only illumination being from a broken light dimly lighting up the floor around him. He remembered how close he was back in that damn room, that room that haunted every moment he wasn’t awake-

“Ren!” Morgana shouted at him again. Ren sat up slightly, and realized that there were tears flowing out of his eyes. He explained to the cat what had happened, as Morgana looked at him horrified. After Ren was done with his story, Morgana instantly piped up. “Tell the rest of the thieves about this. They can-”

“How the hell can they help with this?! I’m alone Morgana, they won’t care! They don’t need me anymore, I have nothing to offer them!” Ren was yelling at this point. “I’m fucked Morgana, I’m going to die here. The least you can do for me is try to find a nice home so my parents don’t kill you or something.”

Morgana’s eyes adapted a somber and panicked look at what Ren had just said. Before either one could say anything, there was loud footfall down the stairs. Ren quickly looked to the staircase, to see his father angrily walk towards him.

“Shut the fuck up, criminal!” His father kicked Ren in the chest, knocking him down. He then picked up Ren by his arm and threw him to the ground. “I’m trying to sleep, and you pull this shit?! Looks like you didn’t learn!”

Ren closed his eyes in anticipation for a punch, but nothing came. Nothing except a loud shattering and a crunch, then the sound of his father storming away. Ren opened his eyes to see his phone, shattered on the floor. Ren and Morgana just stared in disbelief at the crumbs of Ren’s life in Tokyo, shattered with a single stomp.

___________________

Ren didn’t go to school for the next few days. The school board was told that it was because he was feeling sick, but Morgana had pressured Ren into not leaving his room as they thought of a plan in case something happened.

“You could buy another phone?” Morgana suggested to the boy, rubbing his wrists. It was Sunday evening, and Ren still didn’t have an idea of what to do. All he knew is that he wanted to get out of this hellhole.

“Don’t remember anyone’s number.”

“Call the cops maybe?”

“The cops around here know all about my previous record, they’d probably just arrest me for getting in a fight instead. They’re probably also still mad about the whole phantom thief thing. And last I checked, the cops around here won't help.”

“Jeez, it’s almost like you’ve done this before,” Morgana joked. His expression turned furious when he saw Ren’s gaze somber, as he looked up sadly. “Don’t tell me… they’ve always done this?”

“I was only born because they were publicly shamed for not having a child, neither of them care about me.” Ren pointed out, deadpan. “If I don’t better their image, I’m worthless and they punish me for it. If I improve it, I get rewarded. That’s how it’s always been.”

Morgana was shocked at how calmly he stated that, as if it was an everyday affair. After a bit of silence, the cat finally spoke up. “I… I’m so sorry Ren. We should’ve done something when we were in mementos.”

“Their behavior didn’t affect anyone when we had access to mementos. They probably wouldn’t have showed up.” Ren stood up, and started to put some things in the bag he carried around. Morgana was about to say something about remembering the headphones, but realized that he had never seen Ren take them off from around his neck.

“I’m gonna take a walk, wanna join?” Morgana was snapped out of his thoughts by the teen, with his hand on the doorknob, exhausted eyes boring into Morgana’s. The bags under his eyes were so prevalent you’d think it was paint. On his cheek was a purple bruise, one that reminded Morgana too much of the night he came back from the interrogation room.

“Duh, I’ll always take an excuse to go somewhere with you.” Morgana hopped into the bag as Ren slung it over his shoulder and the two departed. They walked around for about an hour, visiting lots of places. For the first time in Inaba, Ren was happy. He felt like Morgana was there for him, like Morgana was his friend. He felt good about himself, like he was wanted.

The world really hated him being happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh oh whats gonna happen. just wanna thank a comment from the first chapter that gave me some inspiration for this chapter, i'm really proud of what i wrote here.


	4. Please don’t hang your head and cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uuh yeah this is dark too, tw for flashbacks and ren getting the shit beaten out of him

Ren remembering that he had no way of contacting his friends was the first thing that went wrong that day. However, Ren was still doing better than he had in months. Morgana had seen him at his lowest point and not abandoned him. Things only got worse from there.

The second thing happened during his walk with Morgana. They were walking through the north shopping district, just passing the textiles shop. Ren was just looking around, before being snapped out of his thoughts by Morgana.

“Hey, some guys are tailing us. They’re worse at this than Makoto…” Ren turned around to see four boys, his age, trying and failing to sneak around. As soon as the boys saw Ren looking at them, they all dropped the act of stealth and walked toward him briskly. Sensing danger, Ren decided to take cover where he could. The textiles shop was the closest indoor place, and there’s no chance they’d beat up a kid inside a store, right?

Ren stepped foot into the store, and a nice looking man with black hair and glasses sat behind the register, with a scar right above his left eye. “Oh, uh… hey kid, my ma’s not here right now… can you wait about half an hour to buy shit?”

“Hey, can you keep my cat safe for a few minutes?” Ren said, completely ignoring what the man said. He set his bag down on the table the man was at, and Morgana’s head poked out of it.

“Ren wait-” Morgana mewled, but Ren cut him off.

“Look, I don’t want you getting hurt.”

The man looked at Ren for a few seconds in pure bewilderment, before speaking up. “Uh, are you… talking… to your cat?”

“Yeah, he’s my therapy cat.” Ren walked toward the door, and the four boys walked in. The one in front stared him down, before he was shoved to the floor. As Ren tried to get up, he was punched back down.

“What are you gonna do ya filthy criminal, fight back?” The other boys started to taunt him, but Ren had spaced out. His mind was back in the interrogation room.

_ “What can you do, criminal?” The interrogator punched Ren across the face and grabbed another needle. He had started to writhe in his chair in pain, and the interrogators had mistaken it for him trying to fight. “You can’t fight back you pathetic trash!” _

Ren was jolted back to the moment as he felt several punches land on his face. His glasses shattered with one punch, and part of the glass dug into the skin around his eye. Ren let out a very sharp scream of pain, and was lifted up by his shirt collar. As one of the boys was winding up a punch to his chest, he was hit by a folding chair and Ren was dropped. The four boys quickly scattered after the leader recovered from the folding chair. Ren’s vision was fading in and out, and his ears had been filled with a sharp ringing.

_ Ren was holding his eye, screaming. The interrogator had just tried to stab him in the eye with a needle, but Ren covered it with his arm. The needle had pierced his arm a few times as the interrogator wielded it like a dagger, stabbing repeatedly into his flesh- _

“...Cat… First aid...” Ren’s eyes slowly opened to the man speaking those words. He could barely hear anything, ears still ringing. Morgana stepped on Ren’s chest, and started talking to him. The other man ran off, and returned a few minutes later with a first aid kit. He quickly said something over the phone, and started to pull glass out of Ren’s skin. The glass being pulled out of his skin grounded him, the sharp sting of the alcohol pad rubbing the wounds. Eventually the ringing in his ears stopped, and a woman entered the shop concerned.

“Kanji! What the hell happened?!” She knelt down next to the man, and they both stared at the boy lying on the ground. He led her away from Ren, who was sat up. Unbeknownst to them, he could hear their conversation.

“Some kids just followed him in here and started to just wail on him, I don’t know why!” The man pointed out annoyed.

“Alright, do you remember what they looked like?”

“No, maybe ask the kid. You trying to get them arrested?”

“I’ll be damned if I don’t do anything about this! They seriously think they can just get away with wailing on a kid in a store?! I don’t care if nobody else at the office will stand up for this kid because of his record, I swear to god I will help this kid. I don’t care if I have to arrest them myself.” Ren was wide eyed. This lady was a cop. She was going to arrest him again. She was going to put him in solitary and torture him and drug him, drain his will to live from his barely surviving husk of a corpse. She was going to beat him and threaten his life, break his bones and pierce his skin-

The next thing Ren knew, he was in an alleyway somewhere. He was crying in a corner, when a soft hand was placed on Ren’s shoulder. Without bothering to register the situation, he instantly screamed and flung around, pushing the hand off him. A woman about his height in a police uniform stood, shocked by the sudden outburst. She had short brown hair, and Ren recognized her from the textiles shop earlier. Before he could say anything, she spoke up.

“Hey, it’s ok kid. I’m not gonna hurt you. Just tell me what’s going on, I’m gonna bring justice to those punks. I’ll also drive you home.”

“Why are you being nice to me?” Ren asked this as if it was a normal question, because to him it was completely valid to ask this. If he had nothing to offer, why would someone forge a bond with him? That’s how everyone in Tokyo thought, that’s how his parents thought, that’s how everyone thought.

Ren asking this visibly broke the woman’s heart. To hear a bruised, bleeding, sobbing kid say that after freaking out at the slightest touch… she’d be damned if she didn’t do something. “Because you deserve a break from this horrible treatment. You seem like a good kid, you don’t deserve this. Lemme drive you home, and tell me why those guys attacked you and who they are. I’ll make sure they pay for that.”

She reached out a hand to the boy, and he flinched. It was very quick, but it was almost like his whole body recoiled at the movement of her hand towards him. He took the hand, and she walked him to the police car. Upon seeing the car, Ren froze, but his cat jumped on his shoulder and started to meow at him. Ren started to move again, and sat in the front seat of the car (the back seat scared him too much). Two random people had just seen Ren at one of his lowest points, surely nothing could go worse, right?

If only that were true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone, just wanted to apologize for the lack of updates. writing is hard, you understand. the longest you should have to wait between chapters is one week, but that might change depending on if my life permits writing like this to continue. thanks everyone for understanding, and have a great day. (ALSO CHIE AND KANJI COULDN'T UNDERSTAND MORGANA BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T HEARD HIM TALK IN THE METAVERSE, THATS HOW IT WORKS!!! I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!!!)


	5. Lock the doors and close the blinds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW for implied/referenced suicide, physical and verbal abuse, big sad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "The longest you should have to wait between chapters is 1 week"  
> haha remember when i said that over two weeks ago
> 
> But yeah, sorry for that. I had to focus on my school work because my grades were and still are shit, but writing this is a coping mechanism soooooooo

Everyone over in Tokyo was concerned. They hadn’t heard from Ren in the past few days. Sometimes he’d just neglect his phone for a while and not respond, but this was the longest it had ever been. Everyone had a suspicion that he wasn’t alright, Futaba especially. She hadn’t told anyone about the phone call the other night, but it was pretty obvious she was concerned about him. Whenever he would come up in conversation, Futaba started to look worried.

Finally, Futaba tried her last resort. She opened up her laptop and went to her bugs, and went to the one on Ren’s phone. The bug let her see all the data on his phone, and even (although she had never used and never planned to use) the ability to remotely access his phone. As she opened up the app, she opened up Ren’s bug.

It wasn’t anywhere.

Normally the phone would display the location at least, if the phone was shut off and locked. But this didn’t even show the location. There were two things that could cause this. Either 1: Ren was in the Metaverse, or 2: His phone was broken. Both of these were very high risk situations, due to the fact that he had been like this for an estimated three days. If he was stuck in the Metaverse for that long, he could be dead. If he was left alone, with the only friend near him being Morgana… despite the fact that Ren would assure them that he was fine, he definitely was not.

So, that Sunday, Futaba called everyone to LeBlanc. When she revealed this information, the group decided on going to Inaba to pick up Ren as soon as possible. The time they decided on was that afternoon, so they could prepare for the four hour road trip. 

__________________

Ren had been driven home by the police officer. Her name was Chie, or something like that. Ren wasn’t really paying attention. He was just sitting there, in the front seat, nodding or shaking his head whenever she asked a question. He definitely heard the questions, and registered what she was saying enough to give a coherent answer, but didn’t remember what she said. It was like he was auto piloting. When the car drove up to Ren’s house, and Ren walked out of the car with a bruise and several cuts on his face, he only then realized what his parent’s reaction would be. Everything came rushing back to him.

A hand grabbed his wrist and pulled him into the house. He didn’t even struggle against it. His father pinned him against the wall and punched him in the gut.

“Do you have any clue how much trouble you’re in?! You got in a fight then were driven home by a cop?! Don’t tell me you have another record you fucking failure!” Ren’s father berated him. He just slumped over, defeated. The man grabbed Ren by his hair and slammed his head into the wall twice, causing his nose to start bleeding.

“Go to your room, and don’t leave until we can fix the damage you’ve done today.” Ren quickly fled up the stairs, clutching his bleeding nose. As soon as he shut his door, Morgana jumped out of the bag. Ren walked up and dropped on his bed. After a few minutes of silence, and blood trickling onto his mattress, his blanket nowhere to be found. His door swung open and his mother stood there angrily.

“We should’ve done this back when the Shido incident happened. Do us a favor and take yourself out, will you? We tried getting rid of you but it cost more than you were worth.” She said this simply, more tired than angry. She threw a plastic bag on the floor, and shut the door. A click from the other side, and Ren was locked in.

Scared, Ren slowly walked over to the bag. Inside of it was a long rope and a note. As he opened the note, he dropped it as he read it. The words  _ “Make yourself useful and kill yourself” _ were written on the note. Ren stuffed the rope back in the bag and pulled out a lockpick, and got to work.

“Where are you going?” Morgana looked concerned. His shock was replaced with anger at Ren’s parents and their gesture.

“Throwing this away. I doubt it’d be good for my health if I keep this in my room for the next…” Ren thought. His parents hadn’t given a time for when he would be let out of his room. “...however long I’m in here.”

“Alright, just be careful. Don’t want them catching you.” Morgana said as the boy finished lockpicking. He shut the door, and Morgana only realized what was happening when he heard the click of the door locking.

“...Thanks for everything Mona.” Ren walked quickly down the hall, ignoring the scratching and loud mewling from the cat. He stepped into an empty room with a ceiling fan. Pulling out a prewritten letter, he lay it on the floor. He grabbed a chair and started to tie the knot.

_______________

“Are we there?” Ryuji asked. Everyone was anxious, Futaba especially.

“We’re almost to where we dropped him off, I don’t actually know his address though.” Makoto pointed out. As they arrived, she parked and the group filed out of the van. They were about to start their search, before a cop car parked next to them. A short, brown haired officer stepped out, and ran a hand through her hair. She pulled out her phone, not noticing the group.

“Hey Kanji, just calling to let you know I got the kid back safely.” A pause. “Yeah, that too. Seemed awfully attached to him. But I was thinking, I kind of wanna get in touch with Naoto about this. She’s a lot better at the whole investigation thing. Most I ever did was pitch random ideas about the tv and fog.” Another pause. The thieves at this point had hidden, eavesdropping in on the woman’s conversation. They were hoping she would drop a hint as to where Ren was, as that was their best lead as to his location.

“Yeah, I’ll call her then. Thanks Kanji.” She hung up, and started to dial a different number. Almost immediately it picked up. There was a long pause, before the woman laughed. “Naoto, this isn’t about anything in the tv. I told you, we can handle ourselves over there. Anyway, I wanted to talk about a case. You’re at the station, right?” A short pause. “Alright, can you give me the files on a kid?” Another short pause. “Yeah, that one. I’m concerned about him, frankly. I know I’ve never really met him, but he seemed off. Saw him earlier today, Kanji called and I found him beaten and bleeding. Can I have his parent's files?” A long pause. “Yeah, something is probably up there. Amamiya was his last name, right?”

Everyone’s eyes widened as their suspicions were confirmed. The woman continued. “Yeah, I dropped him off at his house and he looked really scared. His cat was also meowing at him. I don’t think he realized it either, but he was responding to his cat whenever it meowed. I think he was on full autopilot, or something. Like that thing Yu did when Nanako...” The woman trailed off. A long pause. “Yeah, I’ll go and check on him. Thanks Naoto. Tell Rise I said hi.” The woman hung up, muttered something to herself, and walked toward her car. Before she could even get halfway there, she was interrupted by a shout.

“Hey police lady!” Ann shouted, bolting out from behind the van. Makoto sighed and joined her, followed closely by the rest of the group.

“Jeez, you scared me. Yeah, what’s up?” The cop asked.

“Where is Ren Amamiya? We're his friends and concerned for his safety.” Futaba said quickly.

The woman thought for a moment then continued talking. “What’s his cat’s fur color-“

“Morgana has black fur, now please show us where he is!” Ryuji interrupted her.

“I just need to check you aren’t malicious. Now, what happened on November 20th? He said something about it while I was driving him.” 

The thieves looked at each other nervously, before Ryuji spoke up. “He, uh… he got arrested and some really… bad stuff happened to him.”

“Alright, I’ll take you there. It’s nearby.” The group walked in silence, before eventually Haru spoke up. 

“We, um… heard part of your conversation, what happened to him when you found him ‘beaten and bloody’?” The woman stopped for a second, then continued walking.

“I got a call from a friend that some kid had been beaten up in his mom’s shop. Went over there, he had a bruise on his cheek and glass in his face from the glasses. To be honest, he handled the pain a lot better than anyone I’ve ever seen. Would’ve thought he just didn’t feel pain if he didn’t scream when I touched him.”

The thieves were silent for a moment, processing this. Ren wasn’t in the metaverse unless he went in within the past few hours. He had been beaten by random people and relatively unphased by the pain. He had always been sensitive to loud noises, any feeling of touch on him, any hand being raised. Finally, one of them connected the dots.

“You don’t think… Ren was being abused, do you?” Yusuke whispered. Futaba looked down upset. Ryuji and Ann looked at each other terrified. Makoto swiped her hand up to her mouth to stop a shriek. Haru’s eyes widened in realization and tears started to form.

“We need to hurry. Ren’s on a timeclock as far as we know, if that's the case.” Makoto pointed out. Everyone nodded and started towards the address that was given to them by the police officer, with said officer struggling to keep up and surprised at the sheer athleticism of these kids.

As they arrived at the address and the officer knocked on the door, a man opened the door with a scowl. As soon as he saw the cop, he got a cheery expression. “Good evening officer. What seems to be the issue?”

“Hello, is this the residence of Ren Amamiya?” the police officer asked. The man furrowed his brow and clenched his fists.

“Did that kid get himself into more trouble?!” From somewhere upstairs, meowing and scratching was heard. “Sorry, the kid must’ve locked his damn cat in his room again.” The thieves heard something different.

“Someone let me out of here! Open the door! Ren!” Morgana’s voice was muffled, but still audible. A quiet thud rang out through the house.

“Morgana?” Ryuji shouted, pushing past the man. Despite his protests, Ryuji kept going, followed by Ann and then the rest of the thieves.

“Huh- Ryuji?!” Morgana’s voice turned from concern to confusion and relief. Ryuji arrived at a door where Morgana’s voice was coming out the other side. “Am I going insane or are you actually here?”

“Both, now where the hell is Ren?!” Ryuji shouted, opening the door. He realized it was locked from the outside, and that it was Ren’s room. There were cobwebs everywhere except for on his bed. An imprint of the boy had sunken into the mattress, and blood stained the sheets. Some very new, some decently old, some looked years old. “And why were you locked in?”

“Ren just locked me in and thanked me, we need to find him.” Morgana bolted past Ryuji, and the blonde followed the cat. They started checking rooms, until they found a locked one. Everyone was upstairs at this point.

“Get out of my house right now, I will not stand for this!” The man, presumably Ren’s father, shouted.

________________

Voices.

There were… voices?

Blood dripped onto the carpet floor from his nose, as he hung, losing consciousness. The note below his feet was untouched by the blood yet, but was still crumpled from weeks of being stuffed in his pocket whenever someone approached. The colors of the dark room started to rapidly drain, as his eyes slowly closed. The last thing he saw was a bright light flooding his vision, both his mental and physical strength too weak to shield it as his eyes closed.


	6. I can't decide whether you should live or die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WE HAVE AN ENDING IN SIGHT GUYS GALS AND PALS, AND I ACTUALLY HAVE A PLAN FOR IT! hope you all enjoy the comfort angst :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *looks at last update being 17 days ago* yikes.
> 
> Sorry everyone for the late update, school and crippling dysphoria/depression have taken over my life, as well as writers block. decided to grind out this chapter and it took 3 days, so... yeah. next chapter is gonna be out by next week if nothing goes wrong.

_ “Dear Morgana, _

_ I’m sorry it had to come to this. I couldn’t live with this anymore. I know it’s selfish, but what else could I do? I was out of options. I hope you understand why I went to such drastic lengths. I’m sorry for leaving you here alone too. Everyone back in Tokyo should get news of what happened relatively soon after this, and you’ll be able to live with Futaba or Haru. Tell everyone I’m sorry for doing this when you see them. Tell them thanks for giving me the happiest year of my life. Tell them I’ll miss them. I regret the circumstances leading up to this, and please know this was a last resort. At least I won’t have to relive the interrogation room anymore. _

_ Thank you, Ren.” _

The note that read that lay beneath the boy’s dangling corpse, tied by a rope to the fan. The only other things that populated the room were a knocked over chair and blood stains on the carpet.

______________

Ren’s eyes opened slowly. Everything was very blurry. On his chest was the weight he hadn’t felt in months. As he lifted his head, it felt heavy. Almost exhausting to lift. On his chest was a black cat curled up. Moonlight shone through the windows, and lights in the room were on. Ren’s neck felt bruised, but he couldn’t remember why.

And then he did.

It all came back to him. The note, the air draining from his lungs, the screams of whoever opened the door, angry yelling, someone being slammed against the floor. The noises plagued him. He looked around at the bright room. Next to him was a small heart rate monitor, and a packet of some kind of fluid. As he followed the tube down, he saw a needle in his arm. As he moved his hands to pull it out, handcuffs dug into his wrists. He could feel his pulse around the needle as he struggled. His breath started to heavy. The walls started to close in on him. The handcuffs started digging in. Everything got dark.

_ “No dozing off...” _

_ “I’ll sue!” _

_ “Kill yourself!” _

_ “Fix your fucking messiah complex!” _

“Amamiya-kun?”

_ “Do you understand the gravity of your situation?” _

_ “What a troublesome kid…” _

_ “Honey, look on the bright side. At least we have a reason to get rid of him now.” _

_ “You still don’t get it, do you?” _

“Ren!?”

Ren was jolted back to the present by a familiar boyish voice calling his name. His eyes were wide and he could feel something running down his wrists. As he looked down at his previously chained hands, trying to keep a steady breath, he saw that handcuffs had dug into his wrists. His vision felt shaky and he felt sick. He was sitting up, breathing violently.

“Amamiya-kun, are you alright? Oh god, I should call Sakura-san…” A woman in a nurse outfit was pacing, before leaving and mumbling something outside the room. Ren didn’t care. He was staring at the black cat laying on his chest.

“Are you ok Ren?” Morgana asked. Ren shook his head. “Yeah, I know.” Tears started to form in the cat’s eyes as he looked down, trying to conceal them. Finally, after a few minutes of silence, he spoke up. “Why’d you do that?! I was terrified!”

Ren sunk back into the pillow. He tried to speak, but found his voice was missing. Hundreds of questions flew through his mind. Why did they help him? How did they get there? What happened? All these questions were silenced by one sentence from the boy’s companion.

“I missed you, Ren.”

That’s all it took for Ren to willingly cry for the first time in his life.

__________________

Everyone had come in to check on Ren over the next few days. In that time, nobody had heard Ren speak a word. Finally, Sojiro asked the nurse about his silence, and she ran some tests. Finally, after an hour of looking through data, the nurse entered back into the room. It was populated by Ren, Morgana, Sojiro, and Futaba.

“Well… no medical signs of your throat being damaged, so that rules out permanent muteness from damage to the body. However, and keep in mind this is a theory, it may be a mental block caused by trauma…” Ren stopped listening. His mind went numb. He didn’t necessarily  _ want _ to speak again due to the shame, but the inability to. A hand wrapped around his, but he didn’t register whose hand it was. After a bit, he was walked out of the hospital and into a small car. He could hear voices that he recognized as Futaba and Morgana talking behind him in the car, but didn’t register what they were saying.

When he finally arrived back in Tokyo, everyone greeted him happily, trying to keep the mood up. The first thing Ren did after being released from a tight hug was grab a pencil and write on a piece of paper.

_ Why didn’t you let me die? _

After a few seconds of shock from the rest of the thieves, they began to comfort him. Ren didn’t register why they were comforting him or what they were saying. He was just happy he was home.

_____________________

Almost instantly after being back in Tokyo, it was decided that Ren would live in Sojiro’s house for better monitoring, sleeping in a guest room. A few days passed, and a phone call was overheard while Ren and Futaba were eating breakfast. Sojiro was in his room, talking to the police officer from the other day.

“Hello, this is Sojiro Sakura.” A pause. “Oh yes, they told me about you. What’re you calling about.” Ren winced. Sojiro knew all the details. A hand on his head brought him back to the present as it comforted him with headpats.

“It’s alright Ren. Whaddya say we grab you a new phone after breakfast?” Ren was so unbelievably happy Futaba was there, as he realized in hindsight that he was about to have a panic attack. Ren was startled by Sojiro’s surprised voice from the other room.

“You’re kidding! That’s… do you wanna tell him? It might be hard, seeing as he can’t talk right now, but…” Another pause. “Alright, I’ll tell him. Thank you so much for sorting this out so quickly. Alright, have a nice day.” Sojiro walked out of the room, to see Ren slumped against the chair.

“Hey kid, good news. The punks who attacked you got arrested, and so did your parents. So that means that, if you want to, you can live here.” Ren nodded, and stood up. Ren pulled up his hood and exited the house. Morgana noticed that on the carpet were two drops where tears fell from the boy's eyes.

_________________

Over the past few days, whenever Ren would start feeling sad, he would go to the same place. Instead of cutting, instead of any form of harm directed toward himself, he would always go to the same place. He would always take the same route to get there. Head to the train, ride it for 3 stops, transfer lines, ride the new train for 2 stops, walk for twelve minutes, and take a right. He would always sit under the same tree and stare at the same thing. 

The stone lump, roughly stuffed in the ground behind the tree, with  _ Crow, 1998.06.02 - 2016.11.27 _ written on it with a marker. Ren just sat in front of it. Akechi didn’t have an official grave, as he wasn’t legally dead. To be fair, if he was, then he would most likely not have a grave due to his countless murders. After a bit, he felt a hand on his as someone sat down next to him.

“I, uhh… got a text from Futaba, saying you left the house and seemingly disappeared… you alright dude?” Ryuji just sat next to him, as Ren stared at the grave. Ryuji continued, “I just want you to know that nobody holds what you did against you. You did what you felt you needed to. I’m just… glad we found you before you died.”

Ren turned to look at Ryuji for the first time, and he was also looking at the grave. “Sorry if I’m not that good at this, feelings are hard… but I understand what it’s like, at least partially. I’m not saying that I had it worse than you, I’d be stupid to say that, but I just want you to know that I… I’ve gone through some of the same stuff. It’s hard having an abusive parent. Just know that all of the thieves are here for you.” Ren looked back at the grave, so Ryuji couldn’t see the tears in his eyes.

After a while, it started to get dark. Ren wasn’t sure how long he had sat there, but he had just been there with Ryuji, talking about anything that came to mind. Finally, Ryuji walked Ren back to the station and back home. The next day, when Futaba woke up, Ren wasn’t there.


	7. Oh, you'll probably go to heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the really short chapter, I just didn't think it needed to be longer. I loved writing this fanfic, and will probably write another persona 5 angst fic except during the canon. either that or a fluff of my favorite ship, so I hope you guys continue to read my stuff. thanks so much, I really appreciate the support over time for this.

“I miss you. A lot. Sure, you weren’t the best... actually you were a terrible person, but I still miss you. I felt like… you got me. It was nice just having someone who… struggled like me. I know, the others went through way worse stuff than me, but… you went through something similar.”

“Ever since the interrogation room… it really messed up both of us. I just wish I realized that. Seeing your regret… I just thought you were an emotionless killer before. Just thought I should’ve died so that you would be happy. But the relief when you found out I was alive was… more than I expected. The anger of your betrayal stopped me from seeing that you genuinely cared about me more than you did yourself. So thank you. Despite not deserving it, I have a second chance at life. So I’ll live it. For you, for me, for everyone… because after what we’ve been through… we deserve it.”

“I’ll stop coming back here every day, I’ll stop mentally and physically crippling myself… I’ll just live my life the way I want, the way I should.” He stood up and brushed his legs off, and picked up the rock. “Thank you for being with me, even if just mentally. I’ll live for us now.” Pocketing the rock, he started to walk back to LeBlanc.

____________

Futaba was really worried. She alerted everyone in the groupchat again that Ren was missing, and they started searching. Eventually, Ryuji told the group about where he found him last time, so they all went to the graveyard. As they approached, they saw the raven haired boy sitting on a hill, leaned against a dying tree. He stood up and turned around, to get tackle-hugged by Haru and Futaba. Everyone else quickly approached and hugged him tightly, comforting him and trying to tell him the sheer panic they went through.

____________

It was the first summer vacation since Ren got back. He hadn’t started talking again, communicating solely through pen and paper. He could now wear short sleeves without fear of being taken to a mental hospital. He still didn’t like talking about it, but he was getting better. One day, Sojiro approached him. Not asking a question, just giving a flat out statement.

“I think you should get a therapist, kid. Even if you don’t wanna talk to them, I think it’ll help in the long run.” Ren reluctantly agreed, eventually getting set up with a therapist. Sojiro paid for it, despite Ren’s offers. After a bit, he was prescribed a mix of antidepressants. Ren looked like he was doing good. He was going to be ok. 

He’d live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3/03/2021, new angst fic coming out. hope to see you there.  
> update: either angst fic or angst/shutaba fluff, hope to see you there


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